the last word (tm)

Vol. 15/No. 10 - 433rd issue - December 31, 2006
bandit@iglou.com - http://members.iglou.com/bandit - Bellevue, Kentucky
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FDA TO SEND IN THE CLONES

Dec. 31 - Doesn't it just warm the cockles (hey Beavis, you said cockles) of your heart when Coprorate (sic) America thinks it can grant itself the "right" to tinker with nature?

This has been more and more of a problem, and too few people seem even to notice. Genetic tampering of foodstuffs has heightened unabated, which has contributed to the rise of cancer, psychological disorders, and other serious conditions in humans. Big Business tries to toy with weather to serve its political or economic goals. In the Tri-State in the late '80s, for instance, chemical interests planned to seed clouds to induce rain during what was already a rainy season. Although this proposal would have flooded crops and houses, the local media touted it not as corporate terrorism but as a drought-fighting measure. The fallacy with this argument was that this was during what was locally one of the rainiest years on record.

In the past decade, the right-wing media has even cheered the cloning of mammals, because they consider it something brave and n00 and s00per-d00per.

None of these things are ours to tamper with. This is not just our personal opinion. This is science. That people get sick from genetically modified frankenfoods is science's way of saying what's intended and what isn't.

What's worse is that nobody's even allowed to find out whether or not food they buy is genetically engineered.

Sale of clonal foods looms

Last week the FDA approved the sale of milk and meat that comes from cloned animals - without requiring consumers to be told if a product is from a cloned organism. This despite the fact that the public opposes this plan and that there's no evidence that it's even safe.

The FDA's decision clearly isn't motivated by science but by the interests of wealthy companies that want to enter the cloned animal business.

Looks like folks are going to end up just going veggie: A University of Maryland poll shows that one-third of Americans would refuse to buy milk or meat ever again if the FDA allowed clonal products with no labeling. Thus, allowing products of cloned animals on grocery shelves, with no labeling requirement, will actually hurt sales of milk and meat that doesn't use cloned animals - because the public doesn't want to risk consuming clonal products. That, my friends, is going to decimate much of America's farming industry - and would help only companies that use cloned animals. (Of America's 9,000,000 dairy cows, only about 150 are clones. This proportion though is likely to increase now that the FDA has made it more lucrative.)

The Bush regime has been predictably arrogant and unresponsive. Senators have complained to Bosh's Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt about the FDA's actions, but have been brushed off. This of course is the same Mike Leave-It who keeps misusing the CDC's emergency jet to fly to partisan events. (At least twice during emergencies, the CDC hasn't been able to use its own plane because Leavitt was using it to toodle around the U.S. and A.)

Not only is it not known if clonal foods are safe for humans. It's already known how bad cloning inherently is for animal welfare. The sad case of Dolly the Sheep is just one example. Dolly, the first cloned mammal ever to be created from an adult somatic cell, aged prematurely and died very young. (The ovine's early death was seldom reported by the media.) A disproportionately high percentage of cloned cattle have also had an early appointment with that big barn in the sky. The FDA's own report admits that cloned animals are much more likely to have birth defects.

The FDA's decision to allow clonal foods is based on numerous studies. The problem is that most of these studies just happen to have been carried out by commercial cloners such as Cyagra or ViaGen.

This is the same FDA that waited until 2005 to withdraw its approval of the dangerous ADHD drug Cylert - many, many, many years after liver failure deaths caused by Cylert first became known. Although it took 30 years for the FDA to act against this deadly poison, it took almost no time at all for the FDA to approve clonal foodstuffs. (Those who extol Cylert's greatness can pipe down now that the FDA has finally banned it. It's a shame so many people were lied to when they were told Cylert was safe.)

Farmers that don't practice cloning and have their livelihoods ruined (because consumers aren't allowed to know their products aren't clonal frankenfoods) have grounds for a lawsuit against the FDA.

The FDA's approval of using cloned animals in food is just the latest Intolerable Act of the current anti-science regime in Washington.

TENNESSEEIN' IS TENNEBELIEVIN'

If there's one thing that truly is Tennebelievin', it's Tennessein'. No truer words were ever spoken in the history of civilization. When you Tennessee, you have to Tennebelieve.

From October 12 to 15, we had one of our famous road trips that Tennessaw its way into the history books for the whole wide world to ogle (beep). We embarked on a family vacation to Gatlinburg, the resort town in the Smoky Mountains. This was our first overnight outing since our Magical Mystery Tour in New England a year earlier - a trip known for the amazing expanding booger and the restaurant attendant who loudly passed gas.

On our Gatlinburg trip, there were 8 of us, so we had to take several cars and lodge in a remote rural cabin. The cabin was built of sturdy wood and featured a loft and...wait, you're not interested in that, are you? You just want to hear about all the mischief!

We left Thursday morning and sped south on I-75. After we drove into the Smokies about to the North Carolina line, we backtracked and gathered at the cabin. Once we were there, loud flatulence was detected, followed by mock laughter.

As I unfolded the couch in the loft to sleep on later, I heard a voice booming from the kitchen: "Dammit!" This was followed seconds later by, "The pancakes got ruined!"

Hear that, everyone? The flapjacks we brang along were ruined! (The magic word!) They were utterly and completely ru! They had become waterlogged (hey Beavis, you said log) in the cooler.

That cabin took a beating from my peeps. On Thursday when we were preparing din-din, we broke one of the cabin's good measuring cups. Oopsie! Later that night, people peed off the outdoor balcony.

On Friday we zipped over to Cades Cove, which looks like a great place to start our own country. At a field there, nature called. The urine produced steam as it hit the ground, for the weather was so frigid.

On the way back from that side trip we had a picnic lunch at a roadside pull-over. A bee chased us around and caused us to spill food far and wide. We also attempted to knock over a grill but could not dislodge it from the post. On the road back to the cabin, a hat opted to fly out the car window.

Back at the cabin that night, the loft got spit off of. The gobs of saliva descended from the loft and landed on the coffee table in the open TV room. My TV-viewing cohorts witnessed the spit missiles dropping in front of the set from the loft.

Overnight while I was trying to sleep, numerous loud and proud bunker blasts were heard - making this the most flatulence-enhanced road trip I've ever been on.

On Saturday, a middle finger was extended towards a moron motorist in downtown Gatlinburg. This was also the day we Road Scholared around the west side of the national park and returned via Cherokee, NC. On US 129, numerous cars and motorcycles drag-raced on the highway, causing much danger to our caravan of counterculture Dukakisiks.

Later that day, our cabin took more abuse. Although it was a non-smoking cabin, I went into the bathroom and discovered that someone had been smoking in there and had thrown their smoldering cigarette butts in the wastebasket. Also, one of the windows in the cabin's lower level almost got smashed to smithereens by prying young hands wielding a pool cue.

Pooing is cool.

On Saturday evening, the mischief highlight of our trip occurred. Earlier in the day, some of our group had been misled by traffic signs on the roads around the cabin. Luckily, we were prepared, as we had brung along boltcutters to deal with situations like this. Under the cover of darkness that night, we bipped up the road and corrected the highway department's error. One of the signs we removed was a nonstandard EXIT sign that mistakenly directed motorists into a depressing world of gloom and doom. Both of the signs we took down are now stowed safely in a secret location where no highway department can ever abuse them again.

After we returned to the cabin from that episode, a bear got into the cabin's outdoor garbage can and proceeded to scatter trash about Election Day-like. We observed the bear for much of the night from the balcony. As we were reentering the cabin, someone cracked another LAP trouser sneeze.

Close to midnight, as a movie was being viewed in the TV room, the sounds of many more bunkeroos were detected.

We goed home on Sunday morn. Before we left, another bunker blast - this time an SBD - wafted. "Somebody farted and it stinks!" someone declared. You can say that again. I happened to catch a brief whiff of the hovering loominsky, and stink it did.

On the way back, we stopped at the rest area near Georgetown, KY (hometown of hated NKU villain P-Man). I noticed that somebody drew a penis on the cartoon bear on the diaper changing station in the men's restroom. After we got back on the road, a banana stem chose to make itself useful by leaping out the car window. This piece of organic matter will now biodegrade into the soil and help replenish the landscaping along I-75.

Everyone agrees that our October trip to the Volunteer State was the funnest event in the history of the universe! (Except for our Illinois trip that occurred last week.)

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(Copywrong 2006)
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