The Last Word (tm) SURPRISE!
A nonpartisan populist zine!
Vol. 13/No. 1 - 400th issue! - January 7, 2004
Bathroom Bandit, editor-in-chief - serving Bellevue, KY, from New America
firstname.lastname@example.org - http://members.iglou.com/bandit
blog blogga blog at http://bandit73.pitas.com
VERMONT SEEKS SECESSION
Odds are that your road atlas makes no mention of New America - even though we and longtime readers of The Last Word consider it a legitimate nation.
In its present form the boundaries of New America can be best defined as the pockets of reason that are surrounded by the sea of soul-smashing madness that otherwise fills Northern Kentucky's Campbell County. Ironically, New America's geographic center was originally at roughly the same point where a restaurant that was part of a major fast food chain stood, despite the breakaway nation's opposition to excessive corporate power. But since fast food is marketed more to us working-class folks than the rich, this paradox perversely highlighted our working-class identity.
Of course local school systems and the ruling regime in Washington have always found ways to bully New America - like when the FCC closed down the radio station - but that's another topic for another day.
Odds are that your road atlas DOES mention a place called Vermont.
It seems like Vermont doesn't have as many chain stores as other states have - which suits us spiffily, since Vermont also has very few suburbs to siphon vitality from their host cities. But Vermont is also special in another way: Vermonters are following in the brave footsteps of New America by declaring their intent to secede from the United States. Former economics professor Dr. Thomas Naylor says the Green Mountain State should break away from the Union and become a separate country - or form a new sovereign nation with Maine and New Hampshire.
The people of Vermont, which was a separate republic from 1777-91 and is now the only place in America bold enough to send a self-described socialist to Congress, support this idea because the United States has become an ungovernable empire with an unsustainable economy. The concept got a boost when the Bush regime started a war with Iraq. In fact, Naylor says, "Every time Bush opens his mouth, it gets a little easier."
Naylor once accurately predicted the collapse of the Soviet Union and the independence of the countries that composed it, but the "mainstream" media continues to almost completely ignore Vermonters' push for autonomy. To those who fear the United States would invade Vermont if it seceded, Naylor argues, "Why would anyone in their right mind want to attack Vermont?"
If Vermont secedes, let's hope they save some room for New America to join!
MEMORY...ALL ALONE IN THE MOONLIGHT...
Ah, the good old days!
Our first ish of 2004 is also #400 since April 1993 - and as promised, we're sharing some of your fave memories of The Last Word!
The doubting Thomases who scoff at our strength like to claim nothing about The Last Word has ever changed, but in reality nothing can be further from the truth. We don't even think uniforms in American public schools were even an issue in 1993, and the threshhold of what earns a negative article in our pages has certainly increased since then.
Here's some of your memories:
Ridicule of Big Boy restaurants
The guy dropping his bacon cheeseburger on the floor at Wendy's and eating it
The story of an overhead projector getting put in a toilet at a school
William Moron throwing a Nazi temper tantrum and claiming to publish a continuation of The Last Word
Bob Barr wearing Thomas Dolby's glasses
Singapore contraband, 1994½, and all-around fascism by the government of Singapore
The person who sent us 26 insulting letters for one issue
Possibly no other zine anywhere in the world that's still being published today has had as much influence as we have, and we show no sign of ebbing. We plan to be even funnier and more incisive than ever before in the new year! We're the amazing zine that takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!
BUSH BLOW BIG BAZOOKA BUBBLE
Gum is cool.
But it's very rare to see politicians chewing gum - and you almost never see them blowing bubbles. When you attend a professional baseball game, you can count on the players to bubble throughout. When you view old reruns of "Seinfeld", you will occasionally detect characters (especially Elaine) bubbling. Even Alice on "The Brady Bunch" once bubbled. Politicians, on the other hand, seem to shun bubble gum blowing as a frivolous activity.
But the Dumpilator loves gum. He can't get enough of this zesty viand.
A few years ago we told you that Pa Bush was rumored to have once bubbled on national television. Well, like father, like son: The current dictator is also an avid bubbler.
Whenever he gets angry, Dumbya stomps into his office, slams the door behind him like a little baby, and starts chomping on a huge wad of Super Bubble. All the while, he hurls his reading glasses across the room. He once cracked the glass on a family portrait by throwing his glasses in a fit of rage.
Now we've got pictures to document Shrubby's gum fetish.
In the photo above we see the hated dictator stretching his gum out of his mouth like he's on a playground or sitting through a boring lecture at school. But really he's at an important summit with Vladimir Putin. Throughout the meeting he played with his gum to express his disrespect towards the President of Russia.
It gets funnier.
Check this out:
No, that's not an optical illusion: He's bubblin'! (And blocking the view of other spectators at whatever event this is.)
Dumbie has a long history of bubbling. The next photo is from the mid-'70s when he was studying for his M.B.A. from Harvard that he never uses:
It is reported that Curious George frequently entertained his classmates there by blowing gigantic bubbles all through class.
Don't let the sport of bubble gum blowing be ruined by its unsavory association with this incompetent tyrant. Sort of like how farting wasn't ruined all because Alan Keyes ripped a loud bunker blast in a police car and laughed uncontrollably about it. Just as we've met many people in life who did not share Keyes's right-wing views but were very good at passing gas, we've encountered many talented bubblers who did not seem to share Bush's despotic ways. I bet Bush even poops, but does that mean you should boycott pooping?
So go ahead. Blow bubbles in public! It will bring you fame and fortune from tonight until the end of time (as Chicago would say).
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
To The Editor Of The Last Word:
sorry you have no life. dick head!
AP STEPS UP DEAN-BASHING
As much as I despise the Republican right wing, and even though I've been a registered Democrat throughout my adult life (since Kentucky is a closed primary state), I'm all for some good bashing of Democratic politicians as long as it's for the right reasons - which that from the media never is. Clinton, for example, was raked through cess by the media over his sex life, which was none of their fucking business - but they gave him a free ride on his idiotic praise for school uniforms.
We know Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean poses a serious threat to Bush's coronation bid, because the Assholciated Press and other news organizations are already pulling out all the stops to utterly trash him. About a month ago the AP vomited its nonstory about Vermont school funding in which the writers blamed Dean for anything that ever supposedly went wrong with it - though we failed to see what the problem was - and for several days recently the AP's top story was one by John Solomon and David Gram that pulverizes the popular former governor for allegedly being lax on security at a nuclear power plant.
In 1991, after a group of students was taken to the power plant without being properly screened, the state of Vermont shrugged off warnings about loose security there. The trouble with the AP story blaming Dean for it? Dean wasn't governor yet in '91. DUUUUUH!!! In fact, Vermont had a Republican governor then!
The article goes on to blame Dean for later security breaches at the facility - even though it's the federal Nuclear Regulatory Commission, not Howard Dean, that was primarily responsible for nuclear plant security! At a drill in August 2001, 3 mock terrorists were able to access the facility - but who was in the White House shitting all over the Oval Office then? Here's a photo of the creep whose administration was responsible:
The story admits that Howard Dean quite properly hounded the nuclear plant and the NRC about lax security and supported creating a no-fly zone over it. Yet the article continues to blame him anyway for what went wrong.
That's exactly like blaming Michael Dukakis for New Kids On The Block being from Massachusetts - only even sillier, because Dukakis couldn't prevent New Kids On The Block, but Dean made efforts to prevent a disaster at the nuclear plant. And the article's implication that Dean was governor of Vermont in 1991 is just an out-and-out lie.
If you think the authors of the story don't have a bias, one cowrote a similar nonstory revealing "secret" documents showing that Democratic Party and labor union officials served together on committees directing Democratic campaign activities. This article stemmed from a sharply partisan Republican-led probe against the Democrats - but there was nothing illegal, unethical, or surprising revealed in the documents, despite the APee's effort to make it look crooked. In fact, that case was closed when a court ruled that unions coordinating with the party was constitutionally protected.
Look at how much influence Big Business has with Republicans, yet the media rarely raises a stink about it. House Republican leaders illegally extorted a vote from Republican congressman Nick Smith of Michigan in favor of Bush's Medicare prescription bill by promising to give his son's congressional campaign $100,000 if he voted for it. According to United States Code, Title 18, Section 201, it is defined as bribery when someone promises "anything of value" with "intent to influence any official act", so GOP congressional leaders are committing a federal crime right there.
Remember how much the press absolutely HATED Dukakis? Years after his 1988 presidential run they STILL ran stories accusing him of stacking the audience at televised debates to cheer him (yet hardly a peep was heard when poll workers in Santa Barbara, CA, were found to have intentionally miscounted votes to favor Pa Bush). What passes for the news media today hates Howard Dean even more.
But since we have a critical eye for things, rather than just unthinkingly following a party line, we're waiting on the edge of our old butt-shaped chair in our office for Dean to do something incredibly dumb like Clinton did when he yammered on about school uniforms (which probably cost him 41 electoral votes). Only then will we decide whether he will lose our vote like Clinton did.
MONTHLY MORON MOTORIST
Not much goin' on here. Our winner for December is the dilapidated beedledick in the red car who kept fartin' around down at Fairfield & Taylor and blocking the intersection while an ambulance with its lights and siren going was trying to get through.
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(Copywrong 2004. Online edition created with Internet Exploder 6.)
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