The Last Word (tm) SURPRISE!
Vol. 12/No. 12 - 398th issue - November 18, 2003
Bathroom Bandit, editor-in-chief - serving Bellevue, KY, from New America -
blog blogga blog at


Did the Nazi wing of the Rethuglican Party manage to steal the November 4 "election"?

Do fish swim? Do birds fly? Do bears shit in the woods?

Stealing "elections" is the only thing they don't fail at in their pathetic lives, so that's where they concentrate much of their energy.

Already the applause of the GOPstapo and its cheering section in the Assholciated Press - as they jump up and down in unison, with caviar crumbs glistening off their maggoty visages, waiting for their elephant to pop out of the voting machine after pulling the big pachyderm lever at the top - is rivaled by the just anger of the majority who realize it's a scam and a fraud.

Well, New Jersey is still in relatively good shape politically. Eastern Kentucky, where we have a loyal fan base, also remains true to its honorable anti-Republican traditions. It's most of the rest of Kentucky whose politics have tumbled into the toilet. If you think Kentucky's bad, thank your lucky stars it ain't Mississippi.

As usual, the suburbs are holding us hostage. In Kentucky and Mississippi, it was of course the suburbs that accounted for the entire margin of victory for the Republican candidate for governor. If the suburbs were walled off from the rest of the United States - as wealthy suburbanazis wall themselves off from life - in, say, 1988, we would have had a President Dukakis. The suburbs have ruined every "election", it seems, and it doesn't help when counties move polling places in central cities without telling anyone beforehand (as in our precinct).

In Mississippi, Republican hired thugs followed voters into voting booths with video cameras.

I GUARANTEE that if I'd been videotaped in the booth then I'd have knocked that camera so far into the eye socket of its user that they'd be filming the inside of their skull.

We're afraid this might be it, folks.

It's time to swab the smug smirks off the Nazis' faces. Be on them like stink on shit.

On the other hand, since Ernie Fletcher is a Fob James type, he probably won't need much assistance in being made to look like the fool that he is. Fletcher is the guy who sent out scurrilous letters attacking the sex life of a political opponent a few years back, so he's already gotten a head start on discrediting himself. He'd be pretty damn funny if he wasn't real. But be on him like stink on shit anyway. Also, Democrats scored an upset victory in Louisiana on November 15, a sign that the Grand Old Potty's dominance may already be starting to crumble.

(We'd also like to know what happened to all the write-ins in Kentucky, considering that pre-"election" surveys showed as many as 8% supporting "other".)



It's time for another Monthly Moron Motorist!

The so-called winner for October was the oaf in that green SUV we encountered on our outing to Michigan. They're the ones who made a right turn from the far left lane into a Phillips 66 station.

(Remember that Phillips 66 commercial in the early '80s where some woman thanks Phillips 66 for preventing her face from falling off? No?)


Much noise is generated by fascists over news outlets supposedly calling Florida for Gore too early in 2000 - and when exit polls showed the 2002 "elections" weren't going the Republicans' way, the media scrapped them because they were proving the "official" results were rigged to favor the GOPstapo. They vowed never to use exit polls again.

So naturally the Assholciated Press did just that this November 4 because they now have exit polls that use methodology that suits their purposes - unlike the VNS exit polls in 2000 and 2002, which more accurately showed how people really voted. (Whether their votes were counted in "official" results was a different matter.)

Polls in the western part of Kentucky had just closed, only 33% of the state had even been counted, and the two candidates for governor were about even when the APoo declared ultraconservative Republican flake Ernie "The Truth Stretcher" Fletcher the winner.


That was after the most Republican counties had already been counted too!

Of course, that doesn't account for those 44,000 votes for Fletcher that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, apparently from Republican-led counties making some late changes to their tallies (as they always do), but that's something we've come to expect since corrupt GOP bosses stole Illinois for Mad Dog Bush in 1988. This is also a separate issue from Fletcher's racist hired thugs in Louisville, an incident that illustrates the modern Republican Party's penchant for all types of intimidation.

As if that wasn't enough, check out this link from the polling firm SurveyUSA:

"REPUBLICANS CAPTURE KY GOV SEAT," it booms. "FLETCHER BEATS CHANDLER BY 8 PTS." But look at the date on the document. It's from November 2 - which was 2 days before the "election".


The document trots out the findings of SurveyUSA's pre-"election" poll and reports on them as if these are the final results of the so-called "election" - as if the "election" was already over. It also reports that Fletcher won Eastern Kentucky, though even in the "official" results he was utterly demolished there.

Clearly this was a slick effort to discourage turnout by making people think voting was already done with. Since the media is always happy to help, this document - which was intended largely for media outlets - could have very well been the deciding factor for Fletcher. Naturally the right-wing Cincinnati Enquirer (which isn't even in Kentucky) had already given Fletcher a wholehearted endorsement - which is to be expected considering the lying propaganda Peter Bronson puts out. We suspect the only reason the Post (known for its front page advocacy of right-wing causes such as school uniforms) didn't endorse him was that they were worried about Kentucky having its image ruined by Fletcher and being shunned by groups planning their conventions (the reason the Post usually gives in the rare event they take the less conservative side of an issue).

(Of course in 1994 we endorsed candidates in Ohio elections, but the precedent of getting involved in other states' elections had already been established by the Cincinnati papers. We don't do it now because it's harder to find coverage of candidates' views and because the electoral process isn't as clean, but since our candidates all lost in 1994 don't blame us for the fiscal mismanagement that's occurred since then.)

Isn't SurveyUSA violating campaign regulations? VNS was accused of the same for accurately reporting the outcome in Florida in 2000 AFTER polls had closed, so why not?





During the governor campaign, the driver of GOP candidate Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher's campaign bus was caught with his "Land Of The Lost" Underoos down around his ankles in Shelbyville after deflating a tire on a van belonging to the Kentucky Democratic Party. Two witnesses caught him red-handed as he let air out of the tire, and they insisted that he admit his misdeed face to face to the operators of the van.

A Democratic spokesperson said the vandalism was "not a good development."

What?! A Republican who breaks the law to immobilize an opponent?! Surely, that's unheard of, right, Byron "The Pooper" Looper?





Looks like another addition to the Bush body count!

Sen. Paul Wellstone and Fortunate Son author J.H. Hatfield are two likely victims of Republican murders since Bush's coronation. Now there's one more.

Margie Schoedinger - plaintiff in a December 2002 lawsuit against Bush that alleges the dictator raped her, tampered with her bank account, and harassed her and her husband, a lawsuit that has been entirely ignored by the "mainstream" media - has died in Texas at the age of 38 of a gunshot wound to the head.

To say this was probably a murder by someone connected with the Republican Party would be stating what is all too obvious.

After the July 2002 shocker in which it became certain that Bush had prior knowledge of 9/11, why aren't more people taking to the streets to demand Bush's ouster? Maybe the arbitrary arrests of people who already have protested have something to do with that.

(Bush knowing about 9/11 beforehand was a shocker, but by that point, nothing regarding his regime shocked us very much, because we had grown so accustomed to his lies and mass killings.)


Now that their party is in the firmest control of Kentucky politics that it's seen to date, a secret society known as the Northern Kentucky Chamber of Commerce has a "wish list" for Ernie "The Truth Stretcher" Fletcher - and Fletcher is sure to appease every demand made by these puppets of Big Business.

So what's Fletcher - the guy who signed a pledge promising not to raise taxes - gonna do to please them? Raise taxes, of course.

That's right. The Chamber of Commerce wants a tax increase to pay for a new freeway bridge.

Surely, we don't expect Fletcher to keep his campaign promise to not raise taxes. Mad Dog Bush lied to us in '88 about not raising taxes, and Tennessee's Don Sunkist - oops, Sundquist (yes, a RethugliKKKan) later told a similar fib to get elected. If Republicans' previous fiscal mismanagement is any indication, whoever succeeds Fletcher will probably be forced to raise taxes anyway to pay for the mess he's likely to create.

The Chamber of Commerce also cheers another Fletcher idea: limiting malpractice awards. This of course is an answer to a fabricated crisis. Contrary to the dozen-year-old babblings of extreme rightists, America has no epidemic of over-the-top malpractice verdicts. Politicians - influenced by HMO and other health care rackets - have in recent years been more than happy to make it harder for malpractice victims to win fair judgments, but that doesn't silence Big Business's demands to make it even more difficult. It's as if the Chamber of Commerce's mouth is frozen in an open position.

This isn't the only issue where conservatives complain, politicians cave in, conservatives complain some more, politicians cave in some more, and so on and so on and Scooby-Dooby-Doo. Education standards and various social engineering issues are affected as well. To hear the Far Right tell it, you'd think liberals have been in power forever and are still in power, and that all the madcap conservative laws since 1995 haven't happened.


What?! ANOTHER scandal?!

Folks in Oregon have been obligated to put up with a constant stream of shit from a right-wing anti-union crackpot named Bill Sizemore, who was the Republican candidate for governor in 1998. Despite the hilarious thrashing (64% to 30%) he received in that election, he didn't know when to shut up. He managed to smuggle 7 loopy referendums onto the ballot in 2000 - all of which lost.

Many of Sizemore's ridiculous ballot initiatives were designed to weaken labor unions, and two federations representing Oregon teachers quite properly spent $700,000 fighting two of the referendums.

Everything came crashing down for Bill Sizemore when the teacher unions filed a lawsuit against Sizemore alleging fraud and racketeering when it was discovered that his tax-exempt foundation and his political organization were the same - a big no-no. It's an Allowed Cloud, my friends. When the case went to trial, it was found that there were over 1,000 phony signatures on the petitions to get the initiatives on the ballot. Sizemore blamed it all on an aide, but nobody buys that excuse.

The jury ordered Sizemore's organization to pay $840,000, because when you subtract all the forged signatures the measures should never have appeared on the ballot in the first place and thus the unions should not have had to spend money fighting them.

As if this thunderous slap wasn't enough to sponge the hubristic grins off the maggoty kissers of anti-labor agitators, the Oregon Attorney General's office announced it would investigate Sizemore's Oregon Taxpayers United over possible violations.

Sizemore also had a history of bankrupting businesses and constipating creditors to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

With scandals like these, one wonders why conservatives are treated as if they have any credibility at all. I know a lot of them are amazingly good liars and character assassins, but this shit has to fucking stop.

(As we write this article, a right-wing website is in the midst of posting memos stolen from Democrats who serve on the Senate Judiciary Committee.)


In an effort to censor demonstrators speaking out against global greed merchants attending the Free Trade Area of the Americas conference, the city of Miami, FL, has banned water balloons.

I swear I'm not making this up.

City Commissioner Joe Sanchez boasted, "I see this law as a necessary evil," and residents were told to trust the judgment of Police Chief John Timoney regarding enforcement of the new law.

Um. OK.

Timoney was Philadelphia Police Chief in 2000 when the Republican National Convention disaster (the one where Toilet Liddy Dole talked about "Smash Mouth politics") was going on. Under Timoney's rule, over 400 were arrested for speaking out against the Republicans' policies - under charges that were so flimsy that they had to be dismissed in 96% of cases.

Such egregious police misconduct was displayed in Philadelphia that many lawsuits were filed, and one person remarked, "Timoney's strategy during the RNC was to arrest as many people as possible, look good in front of the TV cameras, and deal with the Constitution later."

Predictably, during the Miami conference, several protesters were arrested although they did nothing violent or illegal (such as having water balloons stowed inside their pants pockets).

After reading this, do any of you doubt that America has become a police state?

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(Copywrong 2003. Online edition created with Internet Exploder 6.)
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