The Last Word (tm) SURPRISE!
A nonpartisan populist zine!
Vol. 13/No. 7 - 406th issue - June 7, 2004
Bathroom Bandit, editor-in-chief - serving Bellevue, KY, from New America -
blog blogga blog at


Police in West Covina, CA, have been forced to face the world with their pooey trousers wiggling down around their ankles.

Local and federal law enforcement had to admit that an antiwar activist who was arrested on an FBI warrant for some 125 arson attacks on SUVs (mostly at car dealerships) was completely innocent, after someone else was charged with the crimes instead. After illegally holding the innocent man in jail for 4 days without formally charging him with a crime, the city has promised him $20,000 to cover his legal fees.

If this incident is any indication, one can only guess at how many dissidents across America have been framed by the government for assorted crimes, but haven't been freed because some other suspect hasn't been found. In fact, for all we know, the person now charged in the arsons could just as easily be the victim of a frame-up.

Conservatives like to accuse us of being anti-police - but what we oppose is not the police, but police misconduct. Competent cops would never try to frame innocents for crimes they didn't commit or do such a poor job at solving crimes that even most civilians can see how flawed their case is. Similarly, no government that has high regard for human rights would detain an innocent person in jail for 4 days without charging them with a crime.


The madcap brand of modern American conservatism is getting even madcapper!

A neofascist group in Tyler, TX, called Christian Exodus is as mad as hell at Massachusetts for legalizing gay marriages, and they're not going to take it anymore! Never mind that this group is 1,500 miles from the Massachusetts capital. A group in Texas just looks like fools spinning their wheels about something that goes on in Massachusetts that won't even affect them one bit.

But of course the organization raising a stink over this is conservative - so looking like a bunch of idiots comes naturally to them.

It's bad enough that they grumble pointlessly about Massachusetts and gay marriages, but Christian Exodus looks like even bigger morons than they already do by venting their frustrations on South Carolina.

Christian Exodus has - apparently by spinning a globe and randomly landing their finger on the Palmetto State - selected South Carolina as the outlet for their illogical rage. Being more conservative than the national average, South Carolina is a state that already has plenty of right-wing cranks in public office. Christian Exodus plans to gather 12,000 militant rightists to invade the state and cast enough votes in elections to elect more right-wing wingnuts to office than there already are.

While invading South Carolina, Christian Exodus proposes - within a dozen years from now - to elect enough conservatives to break away from the United States and make South Carolina a separate theocratic nation with its own right-wing king.

Don't be too quick to laugh off these imbeciles. We didn't think 12 years ago that American public schools would ever have uniforms, but hey, here we are. What seems extreme now might be well under way in another 12 years.

Hell, why is it even necessary for any American state to secede in order to have a right-wing theocratic dictator, considering the country already has one (who supports the Federal Marriage Amendment, no less)? We could understand if a leftist group pushed for secession of their own state or precinct, due to increasing federal suppression of progressives - but Christian Exodus is trying to invade a state where (despite being one of the more conservative states) they're clearly not welcome and impose its views on the whole state.

We think the reason Christian Exodus wants to secede even though their ilk already runs the whole country is because nothing is ever enough to please them. You can play nice with conservatives and give them every concession they ask for, and it's still never enough.

So if you're in South Carolina, be suspicious if you hear some right-winger gripe. They could be a Christian Exodus follower itching to sabotage your state's elections.


As John Walsh would say, several more dangerous fugitives are behind bars! And I can't tell you just how great it feels to say this!

We've had a history of exposing fascists we've encountered face to face who don't play fair. But because they have a lot of sway with politicians around here, we knew of only person on our Enemies List who ever got in serious trouble with the law, though one other was believed to be a fugitive who fled across the country.

But that's changed!

We're pleased to announce that one of the biggest assholes on my Enemies List has finally received his just desserts consisting of bread and water. This was the former classmate who started talking shit about me back at Cline and caused crap to be spread about me for the next 6 years. I don't know why he wasn't up much higher on my Enemies List. Some of you who saw the original printing of that issue of The Last Word may recall the incredibly poorly written article we threw up about him in that time of personal and national crisis.

And guess how long he's in prison for? Yes, 6 years - the same length of time I was harassed daily at school.

Want more irony? Well, guess what he's in for? Drug trafficking - the same thing his political allies accuse everyone else of being involved in!

Finally some neo-Nazi got busted for their drug dealing! And what's funnier is that the conservatives are the ones who passed all these draconian drug laws - which have only made crime worse - and now they're being punished under the same laws they supported!

Ha ha! That serves 'em right!

We despise the mandatory sentencing guidelines for drug crimes, but it's hard to hide our glee when some stupid dickhead gets busted under these laws after his allies helped get these laws passed. Maybe this will prod lawmakers to finally reform the drug laws.

Like when Mad Dog Bush (Dumbya's daddy) was exposed in the famous San Jose Mercury-News piece (a theme that has otherwise been completely ignored in the "mainstream" media), it also further proves the same thing I've said for years about fascists using drug dealing to finance their activities. They support the War on Drugs because it makes their product more valuable.

I've been waiting 20 years for the asshole from school to get his comeuppance. Now that my wish has finally come true, life is so much better: The sky looks bluer. Food tastes sweeter. Music sounds richer. Ah, what a relief!

And it appears he's not the only Enemies List fuckhead on a forced vacation in Stripe City: One of the others from Cline is apparently in prison for attempted rape and assault. We're not certain of this, since it could just coincidentally be a guy with the same name and age who looks exactly like him, but we think we can be about 99% sure.

This guy, who we won't mention by name, was the one who back in middle school went charging into my homeroom to fight me, and accused ME of fighting HIM.

Finally, yet another asshole, who should have been on the Enemies List but who we forgot all about for many years, is in prison for sex abuse.

Note that Enemies List inductees never get in trouble for anything in Campbell County, however, even though most of them are from this county - which leads us to ask which figures in the Campbell GOP machine are continuing to aid and abet them. In Campbell County, if you're a poor person who accidentally bounces a check, you WILL be prosecuted and probably imprisoned - but if you're a rich person who becomes a persistent felon, your clout keeps you out of trouble.

Make no mistake about it. These folks on our Enemies List are fucking strange.


Conservatives can't resist using the death of a man they claim to admire as a pretext to overstep the bounds of civility.

One of our favorite leftist websites notes that the Right is already exploiting the June 5 death of Ronald Reagan as an excuse for spewing spleen at their many enemies.

The site notes that a regular user of Free Republic - a rightist hate site - even had the audacity to ask, "Why couldn't God take Carter first?" Is this - wishing for the deaths of former Presidents - what American conservatism has stooped to? Conservatives of 20 years ago didn't seem like the types who would sink to such depths that they would publicly wish for the death of an accomplished statesman like Jimmy Carter. These days, conservatism seems far nastier than before.

Reagan was a major source of aggravation in the early years of The Last Word. Despite our unmistakable opposition to his policies, we're not allowing ourselves to slacken to the lax standards of discourse that define the likes of Freak Republic.

We're exercising an unusual degree of civility even though conservatives these days openly relish the deaths of people they disagree with. Free Republic gloated when Paul Wellstone was killed, and conservatives also bragged about the brutal bulldozer assassination of Rachel Corrie. Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Rush Limbaugh even gloated about 9/11.

Free Republic bills itself as one of these independent media sites, but it bans people from posting there if their views are on the left wing of the political spectrum. At the same time, independent media sites with left-wing content have deleted leftist posts because right-wing "monitors" have complained about them. Free Republic has also encouraged physical attacks against peace activists.

In my earlier complaints of the media's predictable mishandling of celebrities' passings, I didn't wish death on anyone - since I'm such a nice and swell guy. The fact that the New Right expresses the type of macabre sentiments that they do is proof of their mind-numbing sleaze.

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(Copywrong 2004. Online edition created with Internet Exploder 6.)
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