the last word (tm)

Vol. 18/No. 2 - 452nd issue - May 15, 2009 - - Bellevue, Kentucky


Let's face it: We've picked on Brossart enough.

On second thought, we haven't. (Had you fooled for a moment, didn't we?)

But we can't take our eye off the ball in exposing other questionable organizations - and expose them we will do.

Take, for instance, what's been going on at NorthKey Community Care. Never heard of 'em? Well, if you've read The Last Word long enough, you've probably heard of Children's Psychiatric Hospital of Northern Kentucky. It was a facility on Farrell Drive in Covington near Fort Wright.

There's absolutely no question whatsoever that CPH was an abusive program. None. School officials connived to place me in this gulag in 1990, when I was going on 17, so I've experienced it firsthand. Physical abuse (such as the "boat") was a daily occurrence there. It also seems to have been run by fundamentalist zealots.

Anyone who knew me at the time knew I was not suffering from a psychiatric disorder. The Last Word used to occasionally whip up some odd humor pieces (like the Big Boy jingles), but that was so folks would pay attention to our more serious articles. But I guess having a teenager sent to a psychiatric "hospital" for the "illness" of getting expelled from a Catholic high school was the only weapon against me in the schools' arsenal once I was expelled.

About a decade ago, CPH changed its name to NorthKey as part of a larger operation of that name. But I have no reason to assume that anything else about CPH is different. In the '90s when I was there, CPH said it didn't do some of the horrific things it did in the '80s. I'm sure NorthKey says it now doesn't do some of the evil things CPH did in the '90s. But I've seen this schtick by other abusive youth programs, and I have to go by default and assume nothing but the name has changed. I'll assume this until I see solid proof to the contrary.

If shit changes its name to poop, it's still shit.

CPH a cult

For years, I believed CPH was merely abusive and not a cult like Bro$$art. But I've changed my mind. The fact that kids who were about to be released kept boasting, "This place will change you," is evidence CPH was a cult. CPH was certainly abusive: It was plagued by at least 31 of the 41 warning signs of abusive facilities found here:

After my participation in recent roadside rallies that helped drive the Kids Helping Kids cult out of the Cincinnati area, we need to focus some attention on the CPH/NorthKey racket.

I've checked the organization's website and have found something called NorthKey Children's Intensive Services. Might this have been CPH itself? It's described as an inpatient facility for kids with so-called "mental health problems" (which these days means looking at a school bully cockeyed). It turns out this is indeed CPH.

Sadly, the facility seems to have broadened its target captive audience. The website declares, "The program serves tri-state area young people ages three to 17."

Three to 17??? This cult is recruiting 3-year-olds now?

As for kids up to 17, another page on NorthKey's site touts its "school-based services." I found out the hard way CPH was recruiting in schools, and this practice appears to be continuing, for the site says one of these services is "referral to other NorthKey programs."

Another NorthKey page gasconades about its efforts to bring "residential substance abuse treatment" for young people to Northern Kentucky. Considering I was unlawfully detained at their psychiatric "hospital" despite being sane, one suspects that a NorthKey-backed substance abuse lockup would confine kids who are already clean and sober - much like Kids Helping Kids. This after residential rehabs have been shown to be costly and ineffective anyway.

Cause for concern

Why do we have cause to be concerned about any incarnation of CPH? Physical abuse, forced druggings, and toilet-related humiliations weren't the only problems that pervaded CPH when I was there. It's also clear religious fanatics were calling the shots - though they were the sort who'd never admit their diktats were anything but secular.

What sort of Allowed Clouds did this Tri-State Taliban impose? Other detainees around that time said guards confiscated and destroyed Motley Crue cassettes, chewing gum, and Dungeons & Dragons material. It was reported that the guards burned some of these items. Pop music that was harder than New Kids On The Block was generally considered "druggie music."

We were also banned from having books in our cells. When an inmate was caught with a Judy Blume book, the novel was confiscated and placed on the floor in the hallway for days as a reminder of the seriousness of this infraction.

Whispering was also strictly forbidden.

Almost every mass media work that American teenagers in 1990 would have found appealing was considered by CPH to be a "bad influence" and a no-no.

Since my parents allowed most of the things CPH didn't, I should have told the guards at CPH, "You're not my parents, so fuck off." Then again, some of the guards violently tackled kids for much less.

As an organization, NorthKey might not be a cult itself - even if its "hospital" is. I can't judge NorthKey's services that are unconnected to CPH or other confinement centers. For all we know, NorthKey may actually provide valuable services that have nothing to do with locking people up. But that doesn't excuse NorthKey's responsibility for what goes on in its facilities at the hands of people it hired. I also don't care to hear from apologists for NorthKey's "hospital" extolling how great the program is.

It's surprising I haven't found any other websites by folks detained at CPH around 1990 exposing conditions at that prison. People have been looking for such a website: If you type "children's psychi" into Google, "children's psychiatric hospital of northern kentucky" is one of the phrases that appears in the drop-down field. I think it's time more attention is paid to what went on at CPH, in case it has continued.


These days, no corner of America is immune to folks urinating on library books! (Brossart wasn't immune 20 years ago; now it seems like few other places are.)

In Bay Minette, Alabama, some slob peed on 41 books inside the public library. The volumes were valued at a total of $650.

Needless to say, the books are (keek!) ruined. They had to be thrown in the gar-bahge.

Mayor Jamie Tillery lamented that this vandalism "was disgusting." The police chief said, "Certainly the person who did it, whoever that happens to be, should severely be ashamed of themselves for what they did." (The chief appeared to be trying to hold back laughter.)

The library director found the vandalism when she noticed the pages of the books were stuck together. "I'm just livid," she declared.

I wonder what the Free Republic handle of the person who peed on the library books is. Since these were all religious books, I'd bet it was some conservative blog loudmouth who did it just so they could blame "the liberals." Kind of like a couple years ago when Freepers "discovered" that cleaning chemicals had been improperly sprayed on a hallowed national monument. (Suspiciously, the story of that act was spread by a right-wing operative who previously predicted such an unusual event would happen.)

Destroying the library books is exactly the kind of thing they'd do. I'd bet the farm that's what happened.

Story here:


Because you read The Last Word, you must be mighty intelligent. Read The Last Word is what smart peeps do.

Because you're smart, I'm going to teach you how to act your IQ.

Throughout life, you've probably heard people ask you amazingly moronic questions. Either they already know the answer, they know that you don't know, or they know you're not going to reply even though you know. But ask they do - wasting valuable time and effort.

But since they've got questions, now you've got answers.

Here's some categories of questions they might ask - and some spiffy all-purpose answers you can give them:

Q: Why...?
A: Because it bips.

Q: Where...?
A: In the toilet.

Q: Who...?
A: Ronald Reagan.

Q: When...?
A: When the bubble gum busts.

Q: How...?
A: By bipping. (To the tune of the old "By Mennen" jingle.)

Q: Will...?
A: If poo.

Q: What band...?
A: The Ronald Reagan Chorale.

Q: Ho-ho-ho, what do you want for Christmas?
A: A dried-up booger.

Q: What are you going to do today?
A: Stink.

Q: Where's...? (referring to a person)
A: Probably pooing.

These answers are suitable for any occasion! And people will realize just how much brain power you possess! Namely, a lot!


After the piece in our previous ish about the Rolling Stones conquering a Holiday Inn in their "Undercover Of The Night" video, who'd have ever thunk it would turn out that the Who had conquered a hotel in this chain in real life?

Back in 1967, the Who - the legendary British rockers - laid hulk to a Holiday Inn in Flint, Michigan, just after they did a concert with Herman's Hermits. The late Keith Moon, the Who's drummer at the time, was behind much of the damage attributed to his band. Moon reportedly drove a car into the hotel's pool, and fans who attended a party at the band's hotel room sprayed cars with fire extinguishers. Moon also flushed fireworks down the toilet in the room and blew it to unrecognizable fragments.

But Holiday Inn decided it won't get fooled again. As a result of the Who pumping up the mischief rating for that stay to such unprecedented heights, Holiday Inn banned the Who for life. Not just the Flint location, but every Holiday Inn. The ban wasn't lifted until the '90s, years after Keith Moon's death.

Imagine what it must have been like for the band to be banished from Holiday Inn! At the time the Who was banned from Holiday Inn, it had to have been by far the world's biggest hotel chain. Every time members of the Who saw that big green sign, it probably looked like it was laughing right in their faces!

Moon had a habit of blowing up toilets (sometimes with dynamite). This practice led to him being permanently banned from all Sheraton and Hilton hotels as well.

It appears as if the Who - or at least Keith Moon - invented the game of Holiday Inn conquering years before I thought I did!


I got this year's fact-finding mission out of the way early!

From February 28 to March 1, I visited northeastern Georgia and western South Carolina. The purpose of this event was largely to test a new GPS, but relatively little of note happened on this trip.

On the way down, we stopped at the interim Tennessee Welcome Center off I-75. (It was in a hotel off the exit.) This stop cost us much time. We waited in line for about 15 minutes just to use the johnnypot. But when another traveler emerged from the restroom, he warned us not to use it because someone had stunk it up with intestinal gas.

In Anderson, South Carolina, we saw a billboard featuring an Ellen DeGeneres look-alike.

In Augusta, Georgia, we encountered the Augusta Madman - a maniac in a white truck who kept yelling at our car. This young man joins the cast of zany characters I've encountered on other trips, such as the Getty Grouch and Old Stopsignface.

At a Zaxby's restaurant in Thomson, Georgia, I noticed someone had peed all over the restroom floor, and there was gum in the urinal.

At our hotel in Madison, Georgia, I discovered there was an antique booger wiped on the wall in the bathroom. It resembled a silverfish.

Despite its brevity, it was a fact-finding mission like no other before! Important photos and videos hover here:


The burg of Conway, Arkansas, isn't immune to johnnypot-related mischief in its school buildings.

Recently, a group of 4 teens paid a 2 AM visit to Carl Stuart Middle School, hopped aboard the floor cleaning machine, and rode it around like a bumper car. They smashed into toilets and drinking fountains, causing the building to flood. For 12 hours, water filled the halls of the school.

They even defecated in the microwave oven in the teachers' lounge (leaving an unpleasant surprise for the next instructor who wanted to heat up their lunch).

The following weekend, 3 of the vandals returned to the scene after they realized they had forgotten to urinate on the copy machines during their first visit. In addition, the soft drink machine got ru, and many a clock was smashed.

Later, the foursome was caught. They were a mix of public school, private school, and homeschool students. None of them attended the vandalized school when it was attacked.

Story here:


"I'm out on a limb where the fun begins...Council meetings are never boring..."

With the pandemic of restroom hijinks lately, folks in Pekin, Illinois, aren't safe either! Oh no sirree!

Recently, the city opened its riverfront public restrooms for the season. It took only 6 days for some iconoclast to kick out the door vents, tear the hand dryer off the wall, and demolish the bottom of a urinal so "contaminated water" (those in the know call it pee) flowed onto the floor.

This tops the standard set last year, when it took 3 weeks for the season's first major restroom incident - in which a toilet was blown up by an M-80.

Restroom vandalism in this Illinois town has now been the concern of 2 consecutive mayors. But city council meetings are always a barrel of laughs for the townsfolk, because there's so many photos of damage to show!

(Story here:


After Northern Kentucky University decided to establish itself as a training ground for the right wing, it doesn't deserve any more red carpet treatment from local governments.

But that doesn't mean it won't receive it anyway. Because it's NKU, after all.

This so-called public institution of higher book-burnin' isn't exactly known as a free speech bastion after the celebrated Last Word arrest of 1995 and its attempts to keep dissidents away from a Bush appearance in 2006 (after NKU had invited the hated dictator to appear on campus). So NKU gets little praise from me anymore.

Nonetheless, NKU now plans to expand - wiping out a residential Highland Heights neighborhood. If these plans are carried out, every resident in the Sunset Drive area will be forced to move.

The university tries justifying this by saying its student body will soar from 15,000 to 26,000 within 10 to 15 years. Here's a guarantee: It won't. At least not if the students are counted correctly. I think NKU still counts me as a student, even though I haven't taken a class there since the now-defunct The Point was one of Cincinnati's most powerful FM stations.

It gets worse.

Evidently, after razing the Sunset Drive neighborhood, this land won't be used for academic facilities. It seems it's going to instead be used for yet more athletic amenities for NKU's sports program. Just what we need, huh?

NKU isn't just a right-wing school. It also thinks of itself as a jock school. I have nothing against athletes; however, prospective students who think NKU places a greater emphasis on academics than sports are going to be in for a rude awakening. That's why the school refused to discipline a star basketball player who trashed a studio used by broadcasting students.

NKU says its eminent domain powers won't be unsheathed for its expansion plans, but I frankly don't believe it.

City officials don't want NKU to resort to that tactic. Maybe the city ought to seek a historic designation for the affected homes. Ultimately, the city of Highland Heights should bar NKU from using eminent domain - especially because NKU (despite being state-funded) has tried making itself a private island that expels students for having the "wrong" politics.

One thing is for damn sure: If I lived in that neighborhood, NKU would have to use dynamite and a pitchfork to get me out.


Even in jolly old England, restrooms are a popular target for mischief!

Officials in Kingsbridge, England, spent the equivalent of over $100,000 to make their public tinkletoriums "vandal-proof." Apparently, however, they forgot to make them "mindless moron-proof."

In years past, folks have vandalized the town's restrooms by smearing shit on the walls, smashing windows, and clogging the toilets with soda cans. But the "vandal-proof" efforts didn't stop this pattern of devilry! Now an armrest from one of the stalls has been ripped from the wall and heaved into an estuary, vulgar graffiti has been spraypainted on the walls, and a baby-changing facility in the women's restroom has been decimated.

The mayor was quoted as saying he is "determined to clamp down on the mindless morons. ... Public toilets are important to local people and to visitors alike." He was so unnerved by the damage that it appeared in one photograph as if he was about to cry.

The town is now planning to set up a spy camera in the local market square to observe who uses the restrooms. But that will require an expensive pole. This is starting to sound like the time Brossart wasted all that money on those giant strainers in the toilets that lasted for about a day, isn't it?

(Story here:

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(Copywrong 2009)
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